I received a text at 4:30 a.m. yesterday stating that "Queen Esther" did not survive having her foal.  I jumped in the car to meet this orphaned baby right at sunrise.  Emotions are so complicated.  How is it possible to grieve the loss of this beautiful mare while in awe of this precious baby?  If ever there was a bittersweet sunrise... If Linda had not slept in a sleeping bag behind the barn though, the baby would have been lost, too.

The little  not-so little (100 pound?) filly was thriving at first.  Within hours of birth, I saw a walk, trot, canter... along with a series of very comical antics.  She thought that Linda and I were her mothers... thank God for veterinary supplies.  When her bottle was empty, she sucked on our elbows.  I left the ranch late afternoon thinking she would be fine.  However, she took a hard turn and didn't eat all night.

She took her first car ride this morning.  Can you imagine passing a Rav4 on the highway and seeing a horse looking out the window of the back?  Linda had to leave her at the vet to do ranch business and I stayed with the filly.

It was heart-wrenching.  The weaker she became, the more she fought against any attempt to help her.  I couldn't believe how stubborn and resistant she was to those trying to save her. How self-destructive!

What a picture of our relationship with Jesus.  All He came to do was to save our lives but we run away from Him and resist Him - our every move in our own worst interest.  She finally laid down and became very still.  She no longer twitched if a fly landed on her.  I watched her breathing become more and more shallow.  I sensed she had given up and I felt so helpless.  A praise song started going through my head.  "We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes to the giver of life... You alone can rescue, You alone can save."

I heard the veterinarian teaching a group of students outside the stall.  He said something like, "this foal is a low-dollar horse.  You don't waste lots of money trying to save a horse like this.  Now, if it was a high-dollar horse like ones in Kentucky, you would invest a lot to try to save it."

I was on the stall floor crying, watching her breathing become more shallow.  I was a low-dollar horse.  At one time, every move I made was self-destructive.  I was so stubborn and resistant, I didn't deserve salvation.  But Jesus came and died on the cross for me anyway.  He gave His whole life when I was unworthy so I could have life.  He's the "Giver of Life"

I sat there embarrassed at my emotion as the vet and a whole class of vet students looked into the stall.  I was shocked to hear the vet say, "I DO NOT want to lose this foal.  We will write the cost of treatment off as an educational expense."

 

The stall became filled with vet students with many more waiting to help outside the stall.  The filly soon had an IV line sewn into her.  She just laid there for the longest time but when she finally got up, she was MAD!!  Snorting and bucking - I have never been so happy to see a temper tantrum in my life!!!

That was how I left her when the vet office closed.  She's still not out of the woods but I have peace in my soul.  I don't know whether or not God will choose to give her life but I know He has given me life and that life will get me through this no matter which way it goes.

Oh... I almost forgot... I got to name her.  It's Charis.  It means "grace" in Greek.

Sovereign God

I remember taking my two daughters on a camping trip when they were little. We went for a walk after dark... it was REALLY dark! In the middle of our walk, the flashlight gave out. I tried to not let my girls know that I was terrified. We crept along praying and trying to remember what things looked like when we had light. By the grace of God, we finally arrived where we were supposed to be - "home" in our campsite.

This last month has felt like that to me. My only goal in life is to follow God's will (and to not drive my husband crazy!) It all seemed so clear a month ago but I have had lots of time to think and pray during this snowstorm. For most of my time since I rededicated my life to the Lord in 1998, I have known exactly what God has wanted me to do. It isn't so clear right now. I have no clue what part I will play at the ranch - I can't see it and I think that is exactly what God wants right now. To walk by faith and trust in Him.

I went to a Chris Tomlin concert Sunday and his lyrics to "Sovereign" hit me over the head:

Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy
In my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arm
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you

In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you

To God Be the Glory

This was one of my favorite days ever.  A beautiful group of people determined to brave the bitter cold and join together for one purpose  - to serve the Lord by working at Promised Land Ranch and Mission.  Ages ranged from little children to senior adults.

I was so blessed to have my daughter, Bobbie there and my good friends, Bonnie and Kim there.  My husband, Wayne (who has always claimed to hate horses) was petting several of the horses and working so hard at putting up gates. Bobbie, Bonnie and I all rode horse - Bonnie and Bobbie rode bareback!  I was not so bold - I'm too old to fall off a horse!  I did ride Anna Bell (pictured above) with a saddle.  I am in love with this little palomino mare.  She likes to snuggle! 

This was the groundbreaking for the indoor arena.  What an honor to be present for such a special occasion!  In spite of the freezing weather, the ground actually broke!  It was a beautiful time of prayer, as we asked for God's blessing on the land and the ministry.  We then walked the perimeter of the building site.  I can't even begin to imagine what God is going to do with this spot and with these precious people.

To God be the Glory!

God's Adventures

I remember years ago, I went to a Southern Baptist center in Kansas City, Kansas to help distribute food and Christmas gifts to needy families.  At the time, I didn't understand the joy of serving the Lord.  I thought to "get credit" for serving God, it would have to be doing something I hated.  I picked the most miserable job I could think of - in the deep freeze hauling out frozen turkeys.  I was absolutely miserable.  ("Lord, are you impressed with my suffering the frigid cold for You?")  It wasn't even His assignment for me.  What they needed was someone to help lead Christmas music on a guitar.  That is fun!  He wanted me to have joy in serving Him!

I know that there are many times our service to our Lord is not fun.  I know many people serving Him in tasks that are way less than "fun."  I'd like to believe that I would be up for any assignment God would give me now - no longer to try a futile attempt to "impress" God with my sacrifice.  He already made the ultimate sacrifice - He sent His Son to die on the cross and take away our sin.  I want to serve Him because He loves me so much.

I am amazed that God would have me serve Him at Promised Land Ranch.  Linda just called and asked if I would come out Friday - she's going to try out two new horses at the ranch.  They will arrive at 9:30am.  I am so excited!  How grateful I am that God would give me an assignment that is so fun.  There truly is joy in serving Him!

Headed out for my first day working at the ranch.  I've never been a fashion freak but I have always tried to dress the part for director, therapist of counselor roles I've played in the past.  Today was quite different.  Three layers of clothes, including long johns, little boy's snow boots and gloves and a mens "Elmer Fudd" hat.  No makeup - did not fix my hair... got in my Mini Cooper and headed south to the ranch.  Casting Crowns came on my MP3.  Leave it all behind.  Your pursuit of perfection.  Leave it all behind.  Your fear of rejection.  Leave it all behind.  Your temporary pleasures.  Leave it all behind.  All your earthly treasures....Leave it all behind.  When I got to the ranch, they turned on the radio and the same song was playing.  God is absolutely stunning.

We spend so much time and energy on what will never count.  Another reason I love horses so much.  They don't care about what you look like.  They can start at you until you feel like they can see right through you.  I believe they have the ability to see into your heart.  We can learn a lot from them.  Today was the most real day I've had in a long time.