I received a text at 4:30 a.m. yesterday stating that "Queen Esther" did not survive having her foal. I jumped in the car to meet this orphaned baby right at sunrise. Emotions are so complicated. How is it possible to grieve the loss of this beautiful mare while in awe of this precious baby? If ever there was a bittersweet sunrise... If Linda had not slept in a sleeping bag behind the barn though, the baby would have been lost, too.
She took her first car ride this morning. Can you imagine passing a Rav4 on the highway and seeing a horse looking out the window of the back? Linda had to leave her at the vet to do ranch business and I stayed with the filly.
It was heart-wrenching. The weaker she became, the more she fought against any attempt to help her. I couldn't believe how stubborn and resistant she was to those trying to save her. How self-destructive!
What a picture of our relationship with Jesus. All He came to do was to save our lives but we run away from Him and resist Him - our every move in our own worst interest. She finally laid down and became very still. She no longer twitched if a fly landed on her. I watched her breathing become more and more shallow. I sensed she had given up and I felt so helpless. A praise song started going through my head. "We lift up our eyes, lift up our eyes to the giver of life... You alone can rescue, You alone can save."
I heard the veterinarian teaching a group of students outside the stall. He said something like, "this foal is a low-dollar horse. You don't waste lots of money trying to save a horse like this. Now, if it was a high-dollar horse like ones in Kentucky, you would invest a lot to try to save it."
I was on the stall floor crying, watching her breathing become more shallow. I was a low-dollar horse. At one time, every move I made was self-destructive. I was so stubborn and resistant, I didn't deserve salvation. But Jesus came and died on the cross for me anyway. He gave His whole life when I was unworthy so I could have life. He's the "Giver of Life"
I sat there embarrassed at my emotion as the vet and a whole class of vet students looked into the stall. I was shocked to hear the vet say, "I DO NOT want to lose this foal. We will write the cost of treatment off as an educational expense."
That was how I left her when the vet office closed. She's still not out of the woods but I have peace in my soul. I don't know whether or not God will choose to give her life but I know He has given me life and that life will get me through this no matter which way it goes.
Oh... I almost forgot... I got to name her. It's Charis. It means "grace" in Greek.